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    Deep In The Silence

    It’s becoming evident to me that we are only our true selves during silences. Only then are we aware of the thumping of our burdened hearts and the wails of our deafening thoughts. In the rush of… responsibilities recently, I haven’t been able to grasp a moment to be alone. Maybe it’s a good thing. The monsters seem to come all the more when I’m alone. I feel exhausted all the time. Constantly finding it difficult to fall asleep and when it’s time to wake, the inertia is almost impossible to overcome. At this point, I don’t know what to chalk it up to. Yesterday, I lost it for a…

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    That Impossible Feeling

    I left the house for work at feeling weighed down, and dragging my feet. Not because of work but because of something someone said to me just before. Sister #1 asked me if I wanted to go for a meal with sister #2 and our cousin to celebrate said cousin’s birthday. I don’t understand why I was even invited. Apparently, sister #2 has be “arranging” outings in the hope that I would show myself. I use the quotation marks because in my opinion, she isn’t arranging anything. She is, basically arranging meals with other people, hoping that for some unknown reason that I will go to the meal for the…

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    Stupidity

    So. Much. Stupidity. Today. At all the levels. I never thought I would see the day. Today, someone told me that how and why meant the same thing. I proceeded to tell him that how you do something and why you do something are clearly very different in meaning. And someone else, a member of the HR dept of an energy company, felt fit to communicate to me that if she hired a domestic helper from Indonesia, why on earth would she require that helper to speak English? I can’t even. The sadness inside me has sort of given way to frustration. At this horrible course that I have been…

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    Untitled

    There’s no fighting the constant emptiness in my heart. It’s as if I gave too much of myself away and now, I’m wasting away to nothing. It’s about time to come to terms with the fact that no one fights for me. I’m easily the outcast. The one who’s constantly rejected. The one who’s always forgotten. I’m not important. Never have been and never will be. How I wish that it would all stop. That I would close my eyes and darkness would embrace me. I ask that because it’s so hard to let go of the consistent disappointments from people I thought were better than they are. Maybe they…

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    Untitled

    Honestly? My day wasn’t too bad. But I feel like the monsters wait till I’m alone at night before rearing their ugly heads. I stood in the stairwell again. I’m quite sure that it’s high enough. If I land on my head. Maybe even if I don’t. Only time will tell I guess. It’s exhausting being me. I feel like I’m some sort of powerless Jean Grey – the tortured mind and all the agony yet none of the psychic ability. I didn’t feel the burden today, but the emptiness in my heart seemed amplified. It dawned on me today that if I died, literally no one close to me…

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    Untitled

    Every day, there’s this weight on my heart. Every day, it feels like I’m dragging around a dead weight on my back. Pretty depressive that that dead weight is me. These couple of days has been better, at least it’s been easier to smile a little bit. And the tears have been behaving themselves and staying inside. I think it’s about time to come to terms that I may never attend another family gathering. Maybe it’s dramatic and too soon to say, but I wouldn’t be able to stay away from someone I cared about for more than a month. But hey, I say with utmost certainty that my heart…

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    Untitled

    *Sigh* It’s such a mess, so much that I… Am in the middle of too many feelings and none at all. You’d think that that’ll end up being just the right amount of feelings, but…. No. For the first time in a while, this is not an outlet for sadness. But rather, a document to air out frustrations. I don’t understand. Why is it so easy to cut me out? To forget me. To… disregard me as a living being whose hearts still beats in this unpleasant state of consciousness. Am I an optional extra? Like a side to a main protein? It’s dawned on me that I hate as…

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    Untitled

    I don’t feel good. I don’t think I’m okay. Last night, I got to wondering what I’ve done for people I’ve known for years and years to treat me the way they did. I would never say the things they’ve said to me to someone I call family or friend. Maybe I’m just stupid like that. Hey mum, guess what? You were right. I did grow up to be stupid, worthless and nothing more than a disappointment. You called it, right back in primary school. Why did you even have me? Why didn’t you get rid of me when the doctor told you I wasn’t the boy you wanted? I…

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    Untitled

    I suspect I’m breaking. Whatever has been holding me up for the last couple of years seems to be crumbling. If it’s any comfort, it seems to be happening gradually. Last month, I felt inadequate, constantly ignored and pushed aside. This month, I have it all planned, should I find it in me to leave – Push off, back to the ground and eyes to the sky. It’ll leave a mess but that’s the only realistic way to let go. I can feel it coming, the darkness that it getting closer, the walls that are closing in. If only it was as easy as closing my eyes and accepting it.…