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    I want to kill myself today. The weight of never-ending negativity is crushing me. God please have mercy and take my breath away. Give it to someone else who wishes to live.

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    Below The Baseline

    Woke up today feeling less than stellar than usual. My body feels heavy today and it’s difficult to smile even in front of others today. More and more, I’m starting to feel that everything I secretly believed about a lot of people in my life is true. That they don’t care, that they’re selfish, that they only spend time with me when it’s convenient for them. Oh well. There’s nothing to be done about it.

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    Bad Thoughts

    I have a demon that lives inside me. It comes out when I’m alone. Sometimes, it sits on my chest – making it hard for me to breathe. Sometimes, it sits on my back – burdening me with the weight of a world I don’t belong in. Sometimes, it sits on my head – making it feel so heavy. The worst is when it has its hand squeezing my heart – it makes me want to die. It whispers to me. Things like: You’re fat. You’re stupid. Nobody likes you. No one will notice if you stopped showing up. You’re a waste of space. Funny thing this demon. It kills…

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    Not So Happy Birthday

    So. I think that 2019 was the saddest birthday on record for me. Some things contributed to this: I have been saying to a friend for weeks that we should go out for dinner. And of course, no follow up on her end. So I thought that it would be nice to go out for dinner on my birthday and mentioned it to her. She went “Yeah sure!” And sure enough, no follow up at all. In fact, I’m amazed that she even remembered to wish me. I bet that if I ended up trying to follow up, she’d have forgotten about it. My cancelling because I did not want…

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    No Heros in Real Life

    You know, I wish there was a single hero to save me from this. This… constant varying hell that I find myself in. It’s like everywhere I go, it’s a different sort of hell. No rest for the wicked they say, but what have I ever done to deserve this? The constant torment, everyone (who hasn’t gone away) wants a piece out of me. But I don’t have anymore to give. I’m completely empty. Emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. I’ve completely lost the strength to be strong for someone else, in fact, I’ve even lost the strength to be strong for myself. I’m being tossed around by big waves, being…

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    Compounded

    I am… not happy. What was crippling melancholy has now become a festering anger. If only I could just have a bubble of peace just to myself. Somewhere I could retreat when I can’t take the world anymore. It’s two extremes. It’s either I don’t exist or people are in my face all the time. There’s just no equilibrium to it. It’s so unpleasant, being stuck in this cycle of hatred. The only thing that changes is who I hate – myself or them.