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    Funeral Ideals

    The other day, somehow, I got to thinking about my funeral. The funeral that my sister would inevitably have to put together should I decide that I can no longer tolerate this world. I didn’t have an idea of whether it was an open or closed casket, basically whether or not I died of an overdose or I splattered my innards on the floor. But I could see so clearly, my other sister and my relatives talking about how I was always a moody child, and how I was overly sensitive. It almost made me want to laugh.

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    I want to kill myself today. The weight of never-ending negativity is crushing me. God please have mercy and take my breath away. Give it to someone else who wishes to live.

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    Below The Baseline

    Woke up today feeling less than stellar than usual. My body feels heavy today and it’s difficult to smile even in front of others today. More and more, I’m starting to feel that everything I secretly believed about a lot of people in my life is true. That they don’t care, that they’re selfish, that they only spend time with me when it’s convenient for them. Oh well. There’s nothing to be done about it.

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    Bad Thoughts

    I have a demon that lives inside me. It comes out when I’m alone. Sometimes, it sits on my chest – making it hard for me to breathe. Sometimes, it sits on my back – burdening me with the weight of a world I don’t belong in. Sometimes, it sits on my head – making it feel so heavy. The worst is when it has its hand squeezing my heart – it makes me want to die. It whispers to me. Things like: You’re fat. You’re stupid. Nobody likes you. No one will notice if you stopped showing up. You’re a waste of space. Funny thing this demon. It kills…