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Not So Happy Birthday

So. I think that 2019 was the saddest birthday on record for me.

Some things contributed to this:

  1. I have been saying to a friend for weeks that we should go out for dinner. And of course, no follow up on her end. So I thought that it would be nice to go out for dinner on my birthday and mentioned it to her. She went “Yeah sure!” And sure enough, no follow up at all. In fact, I’m amazed that she even remembered to wish me. I bet that if I ended up trying to follow up, she’d have forgotten about it. My cancelling because I did not want to be abandoned was probably just a relief for her, because she totally forgot about it.
  2. Sister #2 wished me. It shouldn’t bring up such a volatile internal reaction in me, but it does. Why? Why would she do it? She doesn’t need or want me in her life. Maybe she misses having someone around to bully and bend to her will. This was made even more awkward by her husband wishing me and being all friendly. Just go away! Leave me alone! Why are you pretending when you don’t care if I’m around or not? Stay the hell away from me.

I refuse to be the fool who goes back for more after being mistreated and forgotten. I’m so tired…. I don’t want to try anymore. If I am to be nothing to others then, I guess, being alone isn’t too bad.

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