You know, I wish there was a single hero to save me from this. This… constant varying hell that I find myself in.
It’s like everywhere I go, it’s a different sort of hell. No rest for the wicked they say, but what have I ever done to deserve this?
The constant torment, everyone (who hasn’t gone away) wants a piece out of me. But I don’t have anymore to give. I’m completely empty. Emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. I’ve completely lost the strength to be strong for someone else, in fact, I’ve even lost the strength to be strong for myself.
I’m being tossed around by big waves, being damaged in the process. My only hope is that one day, the damage is enough to take me from this world.
Belonging, fitting in, these are terms are I have never understood and will probably never understand. It feels like somehow, along the way, I failed a test and this is my punishment. I alternate between letting the world punish me and me punishing myself for being undeserving.
Yesterday I read something. Something that said that for people like me, we fight to love someone until that someone hurts us so deeply that something snaps inside us, and we cut that person out of our hearts. So that they can never hurt us again. And the longer they wait to reach out, the less and less we value them, until we finally devalue them all together. Apparently, even if they do reach out before that happens, the way we feel towards them will never be the same as before the snap.
So I guess… Sister #2 and I are done. Or we will be eventually.
Why does it still bother me when it obviously doesn’t matter one bit to her?