It is my concrete belief that, depressing, no one likes me.
Already I can imagine a 4 year old telling her mother this after being left out as a childish lark.
I was embarrassed when I came to the realisation of this fact. As any adult of age might be. But in these months of self contemplation, I realised that being left out, is unfortunately the story of my life.
And like a fool, when I was younger, I tried to leave my imprint on people’s lives. To engrave my presence into their hearts. But after all that, it took someone I knew in university, who shamelessly copied my work, and invited me for multiple study sessions to do so, to leave me out of a group outing with mutual friends, whilst telling them he did so because I had a depressive air, to really drive that nail into me.
I don’t understand. How I am so forgettable. That people who I have gone out of my way to help don’t even initiate conversations with me.
Like, I had a long time friend from high school who I thought was a close friend, who, I noticed, never initiated conversations with me. So I stopped initiating conversations with her. Lo and behold, the silence was deafening.
Even when I purposely didn’t reply someone who did me wrong, who I was friends with for a long time, he didn’t even notice.
So…. I’m not going to make the effort anymore. If my place is in the background, then so be it.
You see? If I really did fade away, no one would even notice.