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    Not So Happy Birthday

    So. I think that 2019 was the saddest birthday on record for me. Some things contributed to this: I have been saying to a friend for weeks that we should go out for dinner. And of course, no follow up on her end. So I thought that it would be nice to go out for dinner on my birthday and mentioned it to her. She went “Yeah sure!” And sure enough, no follow up at all. In fact, I’m amazed that she even remembered to wish me. I bet that if I ended up trying to follow up, she’d have forgotten about it. My cancelling because I did not want…

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    No Heros in Real Life

    You know, I wish there was a single hero to save me from this. This… constant varying hell that I find myself in. It’s like everywhere I go, it’s a different sort of hell. No rest for the wicked they say, but what have I ever done to deserve this? The constant torment, everyone (who hasn’t gone away) wants a piece out of me. But I don’t have anymore to give. I’m completely empty. Emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. I’ve completely lost the strength to be strong for someone else, in fact, I’ve even lost the strength to be strong for myself. I’m being tossed around by big waves, being…

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    Compounded

    I am… not happy. What was crippling melancholy has now become a festering anger. If only I could just have a bubble of peace just to myself. Somewhere I could retreat when I can’t take the world anymore. It’s two extremes. It’s either I don’t exist or people are in my face all the time. There’s just no equilibrium to it. It’s so unpleasant, being stuck in this cycle of hatred. The only thing that changes is who I hate – myself or them.

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    Identity Crisis

    I don’t know what I did to deserve my family. I really don’t. Like, maybe, if past lives are a thing, I did something horrible to them in a past life. Maybe I murdered them in a grusome way. I can see how that would happen. I’m going through a phrase or perhaps a new point of view in my life where I don’t care if people who I thought were my friends don’t behave like friends. At the moment, I’m conducting an experiment. Basically I don’t communicate with anyone outside my work or errands unless they communicate with me first. And let’s just say that it’s been an extremely…

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    A Horrible Weekend

    This weekend was horrible. Everyone wanted a piece out of me. This is the first weekend Yuto is home since the meningitis incident. And as usual sister #1 has booked to go on holiday (again) with her autistic boyfriend (again) during a period where Yuto is having a health issue (again). So she asked me to stay to look after him (again). And upon hearing about it, my Husband offered to stay with me. In my version of events, I asked him if he wanted to and told him that he didn’t have to. He, of course, disagrees (as usual). First off, even though she knew that my Husband was…

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    It is my concrete belief that, depressing, no one likes me. Already I can imagine a 4 year old telling her mother this after being left out as a childish lark. I was embarrassed when I came to the realisation of this fact. As any adult of age might be. But in these months of self contemplation, I realised that being left out, is unfortunately the story of my life. And like a fool, when I was younger, I tried to leave my imprint on people’s lives. To engrave my presence into their hearts. But after all that, it took someone I knew in university, who shamelessly copied my work,…