Burning it down

So today, my sister reached out to me.

Not in a way that I deem acceptable. In fact, I find myself asking, why even bother reaching out at all?

I’ve been in the process of cutting her out. But as I carved her from my heart, I cried from the pain and hope that she would somehow care.

Fact: She fucking doesn’t.

I called her out for it today. About how her apologies are bullshit. And her telling me that she’s there is a big fat lie.

She has never been there. All she has ever done is take things from me, and leave me a mess to clean up. She was never supportive, and a lot of times, she wasn’t even nice. I don’t even know why she bothers me so much.

So basically, me, the fuck up of the family, fucked up the “reconciliation”. Honestly, I don’t see it as that. I saw it as an attempt to get me to stop my behaviour, so that she can go back to treating me exactly the way she did. Or, she probably needs me for something. I am not so stupid to put myself in a situation to be humiliated by her anymore.

Maybe just telling me she was there was all that she is capable of. Someone so entitled and so nasty that she can’t even remember hurting me. Maybe what I want is too much for her. But thing is, what she offered was too little for me to accept.

She knew that I was struggling before she decided to call me selfish. But she did it anyway, and ignored (made no efforts to contact me) me for a whole month when I unblocked her. She knows I’m struggling more now, but behaves like I’m the one who hurt her.

During the conversation, she told me she was so angry that she was shaking. What on earth does she have the right to be angry with me about? That I let her into my house to insult me? That I told her about all the horrible things she did to me? That I refuse to accept her shoddy apologies?

She can be angry with me all she wants. She can justify it all she wants. I am not going back to a time where I am constantly invalidated. At least if it hurts, I’ll hurt with no additional knives thrown.

She said she cares. Biggest lie I ever heard. No one does. Least of all her.

Maybe I loved her once, but I hate her now.

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