That Impossible Feeling

I left the house for work at feeling weighed down, and dragging my feet. Not because of work but because of something someone said to me just before.

Sister #1 asked me if I wanted to go for a meal with sister #2 and our cousin to celebrate said cousin’s birthday. I don’t understand why I was even invited.

Apparently, sister #2 has be “arranging” outings in the hope that I would show myself. I use the quotation marks because in my opinion, she isn’t arranging anything. She is, basically arranging meals with other people, hoping that for some unknown reason that I will go to the meal for the other person.

Is that not ridiculous? Or is it just me?

Sister #2, who is so nasty that she can’t even remember the nasty things she said because they come so naturally to her and who is incapable of a sincere apology. Here is the apology she offered me, after inviting people to my home without asking me first, treating me like the maid while she ate the food I paid for, in the house I’m paying for, and after calling me selfish for refusing her more broth, ‘I’m sorry but I don’t remember saying those things, and no one else (who were not invited by me) remember me calling you that either. But if you want to be angry, I’m cool with it.’

So i’m angry. And she’s seemingly cool with it. Judging from the total lack of efforts to contact me and check if I’m still alive. Still alive, thanks, not because I want to be. So why does she keep expecting/hoping for me to show up?

A part of me wants to put an end to this… situation. But my pride doesn’t want me to reach out first. Why should I? She hasn’t even noticed that I’ve unblocked her and it’s been a month. She clearly has nothing to say to me.

In fact, just thinking of reconciling makes me feel stupid and ashamed for some reason unbeknownst to me. I feel like if I reach out, I’ll be setting myself up for humiliation again. And to be honest, just thinking of seeing her makes me want to run away and hide.

I don’t know. She doesn’t care. No one really does.

I’m just being stupid as usual.

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