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    Only Half

    Even though I’ve been feeling better recently, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m still half empty. It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that I don’t have and can’t imagine long term goals and somehow along the way, I’e lost track of what my dream is. I feel like my existence is something that the world can do with or without. It doesn’t make much of a difference really. More and more, it’s becoming apparent to me that sister #2 doesn’t care for my presence. With or without, it makes no difference to her. And slowly, I think I’m losing my desire to reconcile. Honestly, not speaking to…

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    Burning it down

    So today, my sister reached out to me. Not in a way that I deem acceptable. In fact, I find myself asking, why even bother reaching out at all? I’ve been in the process of cutting her out. But as I carved her from my heart, I cried from the pain and hope that she would somehow care. Fact: She fucking doesn’t. I called her out for it today. About how her apologies are bullshit. And her telling me that she’s there is a big fat lie. She has never been there. All she has ever done is take things from me, and leave me a mess to clean up.…

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    Deep In The Silence

    It’s becoming evident to me that we are only our true selves during silences. Only then are we aware of the thumping of our burdened hearts and the wails of our deafening thoughts. In the rush of… responsibilities recently, I haven’t been able to grasp a moment to be alone. Maybe it’s a good thing. The monsters seem to come all the more when I’m alone. I feel exhausted all the time. Constantly finding it difficult to fall asleep and when it’s time to wake, the inertia is almost impossible to overcome. At this point, I don’t know what to chalk it up to. Yesterday, I lost it for a…

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    That Impossible Feeling

    I left the house for work at feeling weighed down, and dragging my feet. Not because of work but because of something someone said to me just before. Sister #1 asked me if I wanted to go for a meal with sister #2 and our cousin to celebrate said cousin’s birthday. I don’t understand why I was even invited. Apparently, sister #2 has be “arranging” outings in the hope that I would show myself. I use the quotation marks because in my opinion, she isn’t arranging anything. She is, basically arranging meals with other people, hoping that for some unknown reason that I will go to the meal for the…