Honestly? My day wasn’t too bad.
But I feel like the monsters wait till I’m alone at night before rearing their ugly heads.
I stood in the stairwell again. I’m quite sure that it’s high enough. If I land on my head. Maybe even if I don’t. Only time will tell I guess.
It’s exhausting being me. I feel like I’m some sort of powerless Jean Grey – the tortured mind and all the agony yet none of the psychic ability.
I didn’t feel the burden today, but the emptiness in my heart seemed amplified. It dawned on me today that if I died, literally no one close to me would lose anything.
There would be a big insurance payout. The beneficiaries would be very comfortable. My stuff could just be thrown out. Because I’m sure my presence is forgettable.
I haven’t spoken to one of my sisters for more than a month. It’s peaceful, really. I am now clear on how much she upsets me. I don’t miss my nephew either, I’m not even sure if I love him. Honestly, I’m not concerned about the kind of person he grows up to be. Most of all, I don’t miss my mother.
Although the demon part of me wishes that she could feel the pain that I feel now. To feel that no one cares, to walk past a stranger and think that they’re ridiculing me in their thoughts. Thanks mum, for helping me grow up feeling constantly invalidated.
I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Every day is so tedious, so tiring, so unmotivated. Every time I close my eyes, I end up opening them again. Why doesn’t God just end it for me now?
I don’t know how much more I can take.