I suspect I’m breaking. Whatever has been holding me up for the last couple of years seems to be crumbling. If it’s any comfort, it seems to be happening gradually.
Last month, I felt inadequate, constantly ignored and pushed aside. This month, I have it all planned, should I find it in me to leave – Push off, back to the ground and eyes to the sky. It’ll leave a mess but that’s the only realistic way to let go.
I can feel it coming, the darkness that it getting closer, the walls that are closing in. If only it was as easy as closing my eyes and accepting it. Despite my prayers, I wake up day after day, feeling as if I’ve never slept. I thought they said that God was merciful. So why do I feel like I’ve spent my whole life waiting for mercy?
It doesn’t get better. I didn’t get stronger. People don’t change.
The pain and torment that I used to be able to distract myself from now agonises me every day. I can feel it bubbling, almost over.
No one will miss me if I leave. I know that fact well. Some people tell me otherwise but I know those words just kind lies. For them. To absolve themselves from the guilt if I do leave. So that they can tell themselves that they tried, to vindicate themselves from the years they spent putting me in a corner, stabbing me with their words.
It’s simple really. I’m just someone that no one cares about. My presence makes no difference. Nothing will change without me. That’s a truth I know surely in my heart.