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    No Heros in Real Life

    You know, I wish there was a single hero to save me from this. This… constant varying hell that I find myself in. It’s like everywhere I go, it’s a different sort of hell. No rest for the wicked they say, but what have I ever done to deserve this? The constant torment, everyone (who hasn’t gone away) wants a piece out of me. But I don’t have anymore to give. I’m completely empty. Emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually. I’ve completely lost the strength to be strong for someone else, in fact, I’ve even lost the strength to be strong for myself. I’m being tossed around by big waves, being…

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    Compounded

    I am… not happy. What was crippling melancholy has now become a festering anger. If only I could just have a bubble of peace just to myself. Somewhere I could retreat when I can’t take the world anymore. It’s two extremes. It’s either I don’t exist or people are in my face all the time. There’s just no equilibrium to it. It’s so unpleasant, being stuck in this cycle of hatred. The only thing that changes is who I hate – myself or them.

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    Identity Crisis

    I don’t know what I did to deserve my family. I really don’t. Like, maybe, if past lives are a thing, I did something horrible to them in a past life. Maybe I murdered them in a grusome way. I can see how that would happen. I’m going through a phrase or perhaps a new point of view in my life where I don’t care if people who I thought were my friends don’t behave like friends. At the moment, I’m conducting an experiment. Basically I don’t communicate with anyone outside my work or errands unless they communicate with me first. And let’s just say that it’s been an extremely…

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    A Horrible Weekend

    This weekend was horrible. Everyone wanted a piece out of me. This is the first weekend Yuto is home since the meningitis incident. And as usual sister #1 has booked to go on holiday (again) with her autistic boyfriend (again) during a period where Yuto is having a health issue (again). So she asked me to stay to look after him (again). And upon hearing about it, my Husband offered to stay with me. In my version of events, I asked him if he wanted to and told him that he didn’t have to. He, of course, disagrees (as usual). First off, even though she knew that my Husband was…

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    It is my concrete belief that, depressing, no one likes me. Already I can imagine a 4 year old telling her mother this after being left out as a childish lark. I was embarrassed when I came to the realisation of this fact. As any adult of age might be. But in these months of self contemplation, I realised that being left out, is unfortunately the story of my life. And like a fool, when I was younger, I tried to leave my imprint on people’s lives. To engrave my presence into their hearts. But after all that, it took someone I knew in university, who shamelessly copied my work,…

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    Only Half

    Even though I’ve been feeling better recently, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m still half empty. It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that I don’t have and can’t imagine long term goals and somehow along the way, I’e lost track of what my dream is. I feel like my existence is something that the world can do with or without. It doesn’t make much of a difference really. More and more, it’s becoming apparent to me that sister #2 doesn’t care for my presence. With or without, it makes no difference to her. And slowly, I think I’m losing my desire to reconcile. Honestly, not speaking to…

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    Burning it down

    So today, my sister reached out to me. Not in a way that I deem acceptable. In fact, I find myself asking, why even bother reaching out at all? I’ve been in the process of cutting her out. But as I carved her from my heart, I cried from the pain and hope that she would somehow care. Fact: She fucking doesn’t. I called her out for it today. About how her apologies are bullshit. And her telling me that she’s there is a big fat lie. She has never been there. All she has ever done is take things from me, and leave me a mess to clean up.…

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    Deep In The Silence

    It’s becoming evident to me that we are only our true selves during silences. Only then are we aware of the thumping of our burdened hearts and the wails of our deafening thoughts. In the rush of… responsibilities recently, I haven’t been able to grasp a moment to be alone. Maybe it’s a good thing. The monsters seem to come all the more when I’m alone. I feel exhausted all the time. Constantly finding it difficult to fall asleep and when it’s time to wake, the inertia is almost impossible to overcome. At this point, I don’t know what to chalk it up to. Yesterday, I lost it for a…

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    That Impossible Feeling

    I left the house for work at feeling weighed down, and dragging my feet. Not because of work but because of something someone said to me just before. Sister #1 asked me if I wanted to go for a meal with sister #2 and our cousin to celebrate said cousin’s birthday. I don’t understand why I was even invited. Apparently, sister #2 has be “arranging” outings in the hope that I would show myself. I use the quotation marks because in my opinion, she isn’t arranging anything. She is, basically arranging meals with other people, hoping that for some unknown reason that I will go to the meal for the…